Sunday, February 24, 2008

I Also Do Birthday Parties!

Quick! Before its gone. Or I guess you could always scroll down...
Brief backstory; remember that King of Kong docu-awesome I was raving about? Well if you saw it (which I still highly recommend) then you'll recognize the Twin Galaxies name. For the uninitiated, its pretty much the authority on game scores.
Long story short, they've given me a chance to be their (one of) game reviewers. Woohoo!
So, in the spirit of self-promotyion, click below and let me know what you think. (or email them raving about their new reviewer). Either way ...


Friday, February 15, 2008

Down with the Anti-Valentinites

To the Anti-Valentinites (aka the people who can't hear about Valentine's without pissing all over it),
Look, I get it; Valentine's Day is commercial. It's hyped. It's a hallmark occasion designed to blah blah blah blah, blech (chokes, dies).
Well you know what? That's all true. V-Day is a rouse - A gimmick. It's pure evil distilled into $30 chocolates, 600% flower mark-ups and ad campaigns aimed at convincing me that I'm going to be sleeping on the futon unless I endow her with blood diamonds and salon gift certificates (which, by the way are now available at Chatters Salons across Canada...huzzah!)

And damned if I look forward to it every year.
Sure, I know that February 14th is a sales booster wrapped in cheesey sentiment, but you know what else is? Christmas. Yeah...I went there Christians. I don't see anyone saying 'I love Christ all year, why should I have to prove it?" or "Christ and I are cool, we don't need a cheap card to say it."

No, you don't...but isn't it nice just to do it anyways? Isn't it nice to have that one day to plan ahead and make an extra effort? Look - life gets in the way of romance - and anyone who claims different either doesn't work or has a really good dealer. Personally, it would be great if I had the energy to wine and dine MJ every day (and night...badoom ching!), but the reality is that some days we both come home with just enough energy to heat up some chicken and pass out by 10. We have loads of fun, sure, but Valentine's has always been the motivating factor to step it up a notch - even if that notch is simply a greasy/delicious fondu, some beer, a couple nice cards and watching Return to Fat Camp on MTV (amazing show btw).

How the crap can that be bad?

And then there's the 'single' argument - the: "but I'm single and Valentine's Day makes me feel worse. Woe is me, waaaaa." Ok, I get that. I've been there. Valentine's Day can kick someone around who's already down, so you know what? Treat yourself? Call a friend or try calling it something I don't know....Thursday.

Hey, I get a little jealous when my Jewish friends get presents 7 days a year, but I'm not going to shout out against Hanukkah. I might mispell it, but I'll never hold it against people. Ok, I lied, I don't know many Jewish people

What I'm getting at (albeit slowly) is that you don't have to like Valentine's Day. You don't even have to recognize Valentine's Day. Just, you know, shut up about it.

With Love-

Friday, February 08, 2008

Cool Kids Watch: King of Kong

Do yourself a favor and rent/download this movie: King of Kong. No, not the Jack Black action comedy from a couple years back, but the extraordinary documentary of classic gamer culture and the insanely interesting story about one man's obsessive quest to break the top score on Donkey Kong.

In a nutshell, the movie follows the plight of one Steve Wiebe - a quiet family man who takes to playing Donkey Kong after being let go from his job and soon finds himself in a quest to knock Billy Mitchell off his throne as 'That Guy Who Has the Top Score In A Centuries Old Videogame'. Unfortunately for Wiebe, Billy Mitchell also has an obsession with being 'that guy' and pulls out some pretty shady tactics to stop Steve Wiebe (or at least discredit him).

Billy Mitchell (Narcissist - hot sauce baron ... seriously)

Of course, its much more than a battle of the nerds and, in fact, the directors have pretty much owned up to playing up some of Billy Mitchell's asshole-ness. All said, its an amazing story and one which actually manages to infuse heart into a story about breaking videogame scores.

(Steve Wiebe ... likely autistic ... school teacher)

I'm probably not describing this well, but you'll understand my love for this documentary once you see it for yourself. And make sure to watch until the very end lest you miss the best part.

Monday, February 04, 2008

The Little Things

So it's been one of those weeks:

Not necessarily bad, yet not necessarily great. kind of 'Borscht' in a way. Typing this post has itself been a lesson in patience what with the letters 'c,h,f and w' on my keyboard now just deciding to get off their lazy asses and put in an hour of work.

So while my hand-me-down office equipment (err...home equipment, yeah...home home equipment) is working, I thought I'd share with you the little pleasures in my life. No, not the obvious things like videogames, fiances, guinea pigs and pure china white cocaine, but the daily things that always seem to provide an odd yet profound source of entertainment and calm.

Things like....

Glad Sandwich Bags
Meat goes in, seal goes shut and as I gently push down on this inflated utopia, the hiss of escaping air fills the kitchen. It's almost Zen like really; a sense that I have accomplished 'freshness' or fullfilled my manly duty of preserving meat for future consumption.

Ahh stapling. Cli-clunk. Ahh. Back in grade 2, I was one of the kids who managed to staple his index finger to a mother's day card and ever since then I've held a deep respect for such a subtle yet strong device. Maybe it's also because stapling means I'm filing - which means I'm done something - which then means I have more time to phone in another blog post. Or maybe this newly discovered passion is my mind's last desperate attempt to pull something of meaning from an otherwise cold and heartles 9 to 5 experience. Or maybe its cause its red...and I like. Cli-clunk. teehee.

Real Estate Porn
If somebody ever told me I'd actually watch tv programming about people buying and selling houses, I'd have probably slapped them in public and later planted incriminating pictures of young boys on their computer right before phoning the local media.

Actually, that reminds me of funny story ... but maybe now's not appropriate.

I pin this guilty pleasure on wish fullfillment; a way to live through people who actually have the finances and wherewithall to purchase a place to live. Being in Red Deer, the most we'd afford is a hovel next to the 7-11 and even then we'd have to sublet the refridgerator box to a middle income family. I'm rambling. I like home shows - end of story.

Any and all. At any time. Cheese on salad. Cheese on Steak. Cheese on friggin cheese in a cheese parfay surrounded by cheesey bread. I picture heaven as a city built on a foundation of deliciously peelable pillars and invigorated with the occasional parmasan storm. And for dinner? Salmon. Because I also like salmon.

Of the sweater variety.

Getting back a Twoonie as Change
I have a videogame fund. Get over it. I also have laundry to do so any loonie or quarter I get back is immediately considered laundry money whereas twoonies are open game. Just this last weekend I asked for a Wendy's cashier to trade two loonies for a twoonie. She had to get her manager's permission to re-open the till. Was it worth it? For me? No. She had no twoonies - BUT it taught her a valuable lesson about change management.

You. Reading This.
Really. When someone mentions offhand that they read my blog I feel pity followed by tremendous love followed by committment issues and me avoiding your instant messages. But please, continue to read. If not for me...but the children.

The conclusion of obviously lame blogs.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Back, Biznatches!

WELCOME all to the relaunch post. Kitchen on the left, bathrooms on the third and fourth levels. If you're smoking, please use the porch, yadda yadda yadda.

I wish I had something to give you, but all I can offer is a blog, an enjoyable waste of your time and my undying love*
Oh - and this:

(not pictured: dignity)

If you're new to this blog, I suggest reading posts from a month or so ago. I don't know why, I just wanted to give you something to do.

If you're a regular, well, welcome back and please continue to drop by with cryptic and/or passive aggressive comments.

Now, on to business. When I first started this back in '05, I made it a personal goal not to turn this into an online diary. That said, I should mention the new job, new fiance and new guinea pig (not in order of importance, i swear. Baby, I swear!).

So yeah: a brief rundown is as follows:

a) I'm getting hitched November 9th (and if you have to ask 'with whom' then sadly we haven't kept in touch, have we? My fault as well. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you like that)
b) I started a new gig as Advertising/Marketing Coordinator with Chatters Canada (yes, that is a hair care and beauty supply chain and no my marriage is not a front to keep my parents happy)
c) We are indeed the proud parents of Dexter the Guinea Pig (pictures to come). By the way, did you know that Guinea Pig's eat their own poo straight from the source? No? Join the club.
So there's that; life. And now for something completely random:


The Word 'Wedding' Immediately Increases Prices 20%-40%
This unwritten yet unwaivering rule applies to any and all things wedding. Food, photography, even chair covers. Though, to be fair, I can't see a practical use for chair covers other than a wedding. Indeed, once a service suppliers knows you're shopping for a wedding, you might as well proceed straight to the, uh, rear attack: "Bottle of water? $1.10. A bottle of water for your wedding? Well sir, that will be $4.50 a bottle or 10 for $60.00. This does not include shipping and said 'l'eau de Wedding' can only be consumed between 2 - 4 hours following reception. Oh my, you wanted those on a Saturday? Let me get you another quote."

Pre-Ceremony Drinks Will Most Likely Be Non-Alcoholic
Moreso, 1/2 of the people going down to the aisle believes I should be completely sober when saying 'I Do' (hint, it's not me). Now, I've tried explaining that one tequila shot with the boys before forever closing a 26 year chapter of my life is not only tradition, but law, I'm also told that it only takes one shot of tequila to become 'Silly over-apologetic Matt'. The jury is still out on this, though as I understand it the decision will be made for me. Huzzah!

(Me: 1 shot)

Cakes Can be Made with Cardboard
I crap you not. To keep costs down, one can order another tier of cake made out of cardboard and covered with icing. This leads me to a serious consideration as to how many times this 'faux' cake had been eaten after an entire evening of open bar. If I were to hazzard a guess (Which is really the extent of all my research) I'd say this is at least a 75% occurance. At least. Thankfully, MJ is working on a 100% real cake because, well, we're crazy like that.

Oh - and the Cake is a Lie (if you get this, I love you)

Wedding Shows Are All About the Same Damn Thing
Somewhere someone at Slice TV is rinsing off from a swim in their vault of gold coins on a mound and trying to mix the words 'Wedding, Bride, Rich, Poor, Wed and S.O.S' into another pseudo reality spectacle. Don't get me wrong, these are usually fairly entertaining, but lose the fancy graphics and 'is he gay' co-host and they're pretty much all the same.
I Can No Longer Visit The Local Brothel
This one falls into the 'I kind of thought, but hoped it wasn't true category'. See apparantly indiscriminant sex with female sex trade workers during an engagement is frowned up in most circles (namely the Bradford-Ancic circle). There may or may not be a small consideration made for bachelor parties, but in the meantime its a no go for 'Red Deer Hose' (they aren't terrific spellers out here, but damn if they don't have gumption).

It Gets Better As It The Big Day Approaches
Sure does. Stress, long distance planning and financial considerations aside, I look forward to the big event more and more each day.

So...welcome back. This is what I do when I have zero ideas. Imagine the fun when I plan in advance! Hopefully I can keep this going for a stretch. Your support is always welcome.

*My love may have physical limit. see dealer for details. offer expires Jan 23

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hot Rod - Cool Beans

I don't expect you to understand the context. Only that this scene from Hot Rod has been playing at the Anford household in rotation for the last week (last enjoyed while Pwning Noobs with Steve). Enjoy!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Big News

I finally beat the 5th level of Halo 3 on Legendary.

Oh - and I got engaged!
Since the photos from our amazing Disney Vacation are in the process of sitting in a camera waiting until we find a way to print digitals, I offer this accurate representation of how the event went down:

Yes - those are real fireworks as the question was popped at Epcot centre on the balcony of the Teppanyaki Japanese Restaurant. It was an amazing moment filled with a host of emotions from pure bliss to punch drunk love and 'holy sweet jesus I'm getting married'.

Suffice to say, wedding planning now occurs on a daily basis and will likely continue to do so until next November.

Me = very happy. Me = amazingly lucky. Me = taking donations.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Halo 3: Protips!

I couldn't resist the hype - nor the opportunity to finally put my 9.95 a month subscription to XBLOX Live to good use.
Yes, I bought Halo 3. And damned if it weren't the best purchase I've made in - say - a week.
So, in a selfless act of community service, I have been playing this gold brick of a game in order to provide you, my dear readers, the best tips and tactics.
Feel free to copy these down.
Protip #1: Avoid using the headset around the girlfriend. This is key. Doing so will save you from having to explain to your girlfriend why you suddenly yelled out 'cock-cucking camo duel wielding asshat' at your TV. It will also prevent you from having to explain to your teammate why you felt it necessary to tell the entire gameroom that 'you'll totally switch it over to Grey's Anatomy after this round, sweetie.'
Protip #2: Killing your own team is ok in certain situations. If your teammate is a 9 year old cursing sack of crap: ok. If your teammate continually (and seriously) uses the word 'Pwnd' or 'LOL NOOB': ok. If your teammate feels it necessary to sign and/or play their hard core rap over the mic: doubly ok.

Protip #3: Aim for the head. Guns and swords do not work on the floor, nor is are they very effective when utlized whilst running and jumping like a gigantic pansy at the first sign of trouble.

Protip #4: Go for the Easy Kill: Become the MVP of any team by shadowing other (better) players, letting them take the hits and then swooping in at the last minute to take the glory. Your teammates will praise your last-minute abilities and generously hand over their hard earned kills. As a sub-protip, make sure to immediately exit the game lounge after the game as to avoid talks of your complete douchbagery.

Protip #5: Avoid Intimidation: Yes - there will be children 1/3 your age who will dominate you at every turn. There will also be man-children/potheads who are much older than you who will do the same. Do not be intimidated. Instead, realize that while being amazing at an online video-game is definiately something to be proud of, so too is having sex with real women and holding down a full time job. Arguably.

Protip #6: Have fun. This isn't your job at Roger's Video during University - this is a game. As such, you really don't need to follow the orders of people half your age. Want to hop in a vehicle and tear it up? Do it. Want to jump up and down in circles in order to confuse the enemy? Do it. Don't want to sit on some goddamn rock with a pistol because some yankee jerkoff said that'd be your best placement? Don't. You get the drill. Don't pay 60 bucks just to treat it like a job.

Until next time - happy hunting and if you happen to see a MattoMcFly coming in your direction - Prepare to be pwnd, Noob!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Winner #2: Darren!

See?? Don't you wish you entered now? Our final winner is none other than Darren S. When asked how he'd like to be portrayed, he simply sent me a picture of him before a 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'. The Skull and Bones is my nod to his extraordinary movie pirating skills.
NAPTA Forever!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Winner #1 Steve!

Presenting: Winner numero Uno: Steve from Mississauga (last name witheld due to pending gambling allegations).
Steve is almost usually studying for something on his way to become a psychogermawhatchamacallitologist - so he requested that I depict him as a lifetime student.
For you, buddy - aces up your sleeves and all...